


Dream A Little (Wet) Dream Of Me

by skintightsocks



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: F/M, M/M, Masturbation, Phone Sex, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 10:39:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/368067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skintightsocks/pseuds/skintightsocks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If you tell me about your Lea dream, I'll tell you about the sex dream I had about Cory." AKA: Somehow carving pumpkins turns into talking about sex dreams turns into having phone sex turns into equal parts disaster and hilarity. Yep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dream A Little (Wet) Dream Of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Halloween! \o/ Yeah, this... happened. Title is a bastardized lyric from "Dream A Little Dream of Me" by... lots of people. I'm particularly fond of the Mama Cass version, so let's go with that. You may think this title is horrible, but it was very nearly something from "Liquid Dreams" by O-Town. It could have been so much worse.

"That's a lot of knives. Do you really need that many knives?"

Chris rolls his eyes. "Okay, you wanted to know why I didn't let you help with Klaine plates? There you go. Shut up and draw on your little pumpkins, Darren."

Darren looks like he's thinking about sticking his tongue out at Chris but he finally turns back to the group of tiny pumpkins and colored markers in front of him. Chris offered to let him carve one but Darren took one look at Chris's Pumpkin Carving Setup and shook his head, offering to draw goofy faces on the pumpkins too small to carve instead.

"You can always pick the seeds out of the guts if you want," Chris says, standing up to tilt the pumpkin and dig the knife in at a particular angle. He's wearing an old t-shirt that's a little too tight because he's had it since before his growth spurts, but he'd rather get pumpkin guts on that than clothes he actually likes. He still hasn't quite learned the whole getting-stains-out-of-clothes part of being an adult yet and he's tired of his mom chastising him for it every time he calls to ask her. "Ashley sent me this recipe for baking them, I kind of want to try it."

Darren snorts. "Yeah, no thanks. The less pumpkin innards I have to touch, the better."

" _Wuss_ ," Chris says, stabbing the pumpkin a little too hard because it makes Darren jump. "You can wash your hands after."

"Nope," Darren says. "No way, not happening, man."

Chris stops carving for a second, raising his eyebrows at Darren. "Are you _afraid_ of pumpkin guts, Darren?"

"I don't like where this is going," Darren says, glancing warily at Chris. Chris just flashes him a smile.

"Don't worry, I like my carpet too much to dump guts all over your head. As tempting as it is."

"Gee," Darren says flatly. "Thanks, Chris." Chris doesn't reply, just lets his tongue poke out of the corner of his mouth as he concentrates on cutting out around the jack-o-lantern's teeth just right, and Darren finally says, "It's just, you know, so gross and wet and _slimy_. It feels like--"

"But I thought you liked that sort of thing," Chris says, not really paying attention with the pumpkin hugged to his chest as he works the knife in and out, but he does glance up in time to see Darren giving him a weird look, sort of like Chris has two heads. Chris never thought he'd get to use that expression, but it's pretty accurate for the way Darren's face is all scrunched up with disgust and confusion. Chris wishes he could take a picture. " _What_?"

"Did-- did you actually just compare a pumpkin to a _vagina_?" Darren asks in horror, and Chris bites his lip to stop from smiling.

"Well if that's where your mind went that's not my fault--"

"Because vaginas are nothing like pumpkins, Chris. Not even a little bit," Darren says slowly, but now he's smiling too, and he just rolls his eyes when Chris starts to snicker.

"Okay, no, Serious Time. If I fuck this up I probably _will_ dump guts on your head, so shhh. Let me focus."

"Have you ever had sex with a girl?" Darren asks after a few seconds, and Chris almost saws off one of the jack-o-lantern's teeth.

"Oh my god, what? No. Don't talk to me about-- no, Darren, I haven't, actually." Chris is a little flustered now, and looking back he probably brought it on himself, but Darren really needs to stop talking. Darren spends far too much time enjoying the sound of his own voice, so Chris doesn't think he's asking for a lot.

"Huh," Darren says, his tiny pumpkins and their half-drawn faces completely forgotten now. "I always thought, you know, that maybe you and Lea--"

Chris groans long and loud enough to cut Darren off. "Okay, you are _literally_ the sixth person to say that to me."

"I just meant--"

"One of them was Lea," Chris adds, setting his knife down when he realizes that this conversation has taken a turn for the distracting. "Just because she has slept with every other gay man in her life--"

"She hasn't slept with me."

Chris blinks. "Are you trying to tell me that you're gay?"

"Oh, no, I was just, like, making conversation." Darren tilts his head at Chris like he's thinking about something, his eyes big and bright, and Chris wonders if he could convince Darren to go make them lunch or something. Darren loves Chris's kitchen because Chris actually goes grocery shopping every now and then and has more in his cupboards than peanut butter. Anything would be better than continuing this conversation.

"Okay," Chris says, picking up a smaller knife to work on the eyes of his pumpkin. "So let's talk about the weather or baseball or something that doesn't have to do with Lea and her ladyparts." Chris learned more than he ever wanted to learn about Lea's ladyparts when she was bored and texting him from the gynecologist's office a few days ago. Chris tries not to think about it. It was all a blur of words Chris refused to look up and _really_ inappropriate smiley faces.

"You don't care about baseball," Darren says, waving his hand dismissively. "Do you _want_ to have sex with Lea? It's okay if you've thought about it, man."

"Okay, but seriously now, why has this turned into a therapy session about my sex life? I shudder to think what would've happened if I _had_ let you help with Klaine plates."

"You're deflecting," Darren says, and he sounds so smug that Chris's fingers twitch with the urge to reach into the bag of pumpkin guts. He's right, though. Chris's lisp is starting to slip through like it does when he's tired or especially flustered and seriously, screw Darren for knowing that about Chris.

"You're obsessed, and I don't want to have sex with Lea. If I've thought about it before, it's because I was drunk and sad and Lea asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. But as of right now, you know, I'm sort of into that whole sex-with-guys thing? Maybe you should look up the definition of the word 'gay' in the dictionary, because I'm not entirely sure you know what it means. Or 'straight,'" Chris adds after a second, letting his mouth twitch up in a smirk when Darren's eyebrows furrow.

"How about-- have you ever had a sex dream about Lea? Come _on_ , you never talk about this stuff with me and I don't know what you're so embarrassed about because you've sucked on my tongue and I've had my hands down your pants."

"And I will never stop reminding you that the hands thing _wasn't in the script_ ," Chris says stiffly, but he knows that Darren's wearing him down, and if his predatory grin is any indication, Darren knows it too. Chris can feel heat creeping up into his face and he finally gives up on the knife and the pumpkin and settles down in the chair, tugging his lower lip between his teeth before grumbling, "You're much nicer to me on set."

"That's because I don't want to get my tongue bitten off," Darren says so easily that Chris is convinced Darren thinks he would actually do that. Darren is so _weird._

"If you tell me about your Lea dream, I'll tell you about the sex dream I had about Cory."

"Oh _jesus_ , Darren, no! Why would I want to hear that? He's like my brother."

"Not in my dream, he wasn't," Darren says, grinning widely.

"Just-- stop, stop talking. Are you hungry? We can eat, I'll make us something."

"It was at Coachella," Darren continues, ignoring Chris, and Chris can feel his face getting redder. "I went down on him behind a tree and then we--"

"I'm not listening to you, hippie," Chris sings, about two seconds away from putting his fingers in his ears. He gets up to go into the kitchen but Darren grabs his wrist before he can get very far, looking up at him with wide, curious eyes. He's so _unassuming_ all the time, and it drives Chris crazy. He wishes he knew how to read Darren as well as Darren can read him.

" _Chris_."

"I had a dream Lea and I double-teamed you," Chris blurts out, and the look of genuine surprise on Darren's face far outweighs the embarrassment, Chris thinks. Even if he's never told _anyone_ that, barely even admitting to himself how often he thinks about it, about Darren tight around his dick and the sweet, breathy noises Lea made. Shit, Chris has to _stop_ before he starts to get hard. "You're just staring at me. Do I win? Have I sufficiently freaked you out?"

Darren doesn't say anything for a few seconds but he does swallow, and Chris's eyes flick down to Darren's throat to watch the movement. "Yeah?"

Chris's chest feels weirdly tight. "Is that a 'yeah, I'm freaked out'?"

Darren shakes his head, letting go of Chris's wrist and leaning back in his chair. "So when you say double-team--"

"Oh fuck me, you really want to know, don't you?" Chris groans, realizing his fatal mistake - Darren tends to think with his dick before his brain. It's plenty flattering after make out scenes, but mostly annoying the rest of the time.

"Of course I want to know. That's like me telling you I had a dream where we were making out and I was wearing girl's underwear and you couldn't keep your hands off my ass and then not elaborating."

Chris's mouth opens and closes a few times before he can think of what to say to that. "That's-- you just told me everything that happened, though. Now I'm just disturbed and very informed."

"Not everything that happened," Darren says with a shrug. "Did Lea have a-- you know, was it like, you and her were both--"

"Okay, stop talking, and I was fucking you while you ate her out," Chris says in a rush, the words sounding a whole lot dirtier out loud than they sounded in his head. "It was-- god, what the fuck are we even _doing_?" Chris asks suddenly, loudly, feeling a little like laughing hysterically.

"I don't know," Darren admits, "but... I have to say I feel kind of weird doing it in front of these little pumpkins." They both glance over to the group of half-drawn faces over on the table. One of them has glasses and a lightning bolt scar.

Chris does laugh then, so hard that he has to hold his stomach when it starts to hurt.

"You done yet?" Darren asks dryly after a few minutes.

"Almost, almost," Chris wheezes, collapsing down in one of the chairs at the table. "God, remind me to never invite you over for crafting again."

"Hey," Darren says, frowning. "I am awesome at crafting. Did you see my Harry Potter pumpkin? Or my teenage mutant ninja pumpkins?"

" _Yes_ I saw your Harry Potter pumpkin, could you be more predict-- wait, ninja pumpkins?" Chris cuts himself off, perking up. "Really? Do you have a Raphael?"

"Duh," Darren says, smiling as Chris turns his pumpkins around until he finds the one with the red bandana.

"We could totally make him some sai swords," Chris says excitedly, already thinking about whether toothpicks or little forks would work better. "Hey, wait, no, I was pissed at you for something. Wasn't I?" Chris asks, turning to Darren, but Darren just holds up his hands.

"No, nope, you definitely were not. Hey, look, look at the cute little pumpkins! Let's talk about those some more, man."

Chris narrows his eyes but Darren doesn't crack. "We should probably finish up soon, yeah," Chris agrees, nodding absently. "Or else I'll have to feed you."

"Such a gracious host," Darren mumbles, laughing when Chris tries to punch his arm. "Hey!"

-

Chris manages to forget about Darren entirely until later that night, after he catches himself up on Nurse Jackie and takes a shower because he swears he still smells pumpkin on his skin. He's wandering around his room, naked except for slippers and the towel he's using to dry his hair, when his phone rings.

"Hellooo," Chris says after grabbing the phone and pressing the call button, and Darren's cheerful voice says, "Hey Chris!"

"Oh, um, hey," Chris says, looking around quickly for his robe. When he can't find it he settles for wrapping his hair towel around his waist, sitting down on his bed and feeling ridiculous for caring that he's naked when Darren can't see him. "What's up? Did you leave something here?"

"Oh, no, man, I'm just calling to say hi. It's-- actually, I was kind of thinking about earlier, you know?"

"Mmhmm," Chris says absently, kicking off his slippers so he can put his legs under the blanket on his bed. "About pumpkins?"

"Uh, you could say that," Darren says with a nervous laugh. "Remember when you told me you had a sex dream about me?"

Chris almost drops his phone.

"Distantly," Chris replies after a few seconds, his voice just a little too high. "Why are you bringing it up again, Darren?"

"You promised you would finish telling me about it and you never did."

"Well that's a lie," Chris says lightly, and Darren swears.

"Whatever, it was worth a shot. But seriously, you should finish telling me about that. Just, like-- think of it as a bonding exercise."

"For your dick," Chris says flatly.

"Not just mine," Darren says immediately, and Chris presses his lips together tightly to keep from saying anything. "Come _on_ ," Darren continues, "I'm curious. You can't just bring it up and not go into all the juicy details, man."

"Ew, ew, don't say juicy," Chris groans, falling back against his pillows and sighing. His hair is still a little wet but it'll dry before he falls asleep, so he's not too worried about it. "If I tell you, will you stop bugging me about it?"

"Totally." Chris can hear the smile in Darren's voice.

"It's not as exciting as you think it is. Or as heterosexual. You can go write your own Lea-and-Darren porn if that's what you want to hear."

"Yeah, I got that when you said you were fucking me, Chris," Darren says, chuckling. His voice sounds a little rougher than usual, maybe just because it's the end of the day, and Chris picks at the edge of his towel, ignoring the way heat starts to creep its way up to his face. The girls tease him on occasion but he's not used to talking about sex like _this_ , sex that he's involved in. And definitely not with Darren.

"Where should I start?" Chris asks helplessly a few seconds later. If he's indulging Darren by narrating his sex dreams for Darren's perverted needs then the least he can do is help him out.

"I dunno, how do you usually have phone sex with people?"

"Oh fuck you," Chris breathes out, but Darren just laughs, and Chris finds himself smiling despite trying to stay annoyed at Darren.

"Yeah, that's kind of the idea, Chris. Start from the beginning. Use your kissing voice."

Chris snorts. His 'kissing voice' is what Darren dubbed Chris's voice after kissing scenes, when it's a little scratchy and deeper than usual. Darren always teases him about it but Chris always gets him back for the inappropriate boners Darren gets after kissing scenes. Chris smiles to himself for a moment, remembering the first time he made Darren Criss _blush_.

Darren makes a noise in his throat and says, "Stop thinking about what to say and just talk, c'mon. I don't want your wit, Christopher."

"Oh shut up, you just want me to talk you off because you're too lazy to watch some porn like any respectable person," Chris snaps, and he isn't quite sure what to think when Darren doesn't have an answer for that, just breathing a little heavier into the phone.

Chris has a feeling he's _really_ going to regret this.

"Lea wanted us to make out," Chris starts, tugging the towel out from underneath himself and dropping it off the side of the bed. He pulls the sheet up to his chest like it'll stop Chris from noticing that he's already half-hard, but the soft brush of the sheet over his cock makes him squirm, leaning back heavier into his pillows. "I don't think we were drunk, but it felt like we were, a little. Or, well, you know what I mean. Sometimes you feel all heavy and slow in dreams, and that's what it felt like when we started making out for her like it wasn't even a thing. Lea was--" Chris swallows, the memory of the dream coming back to him, hot sensory details that only sex dreams ever have. "Lea was wearing a dress but nothing underneath it. She, um, came over and knelt over my thigh, and I could feel her--"

"Jesus," Darren says, quiet and almost reverent, and Chris lets his teeth worry at his lip for a second before continuing.

"She was already wet." Chris laughs a little in disbelief, sinking lower on his bed, the phone hot against his ear. "God, I've never even-- not consciously, anyway, I've never thought about wanting a girl like that. Actually thought about it. But in the dream, I don't know, all I could think about was touching her, how she'd feel around my fingers, hot and squeezing, moaning."

"Oh sweet fuck, do not stop talking, Chris," Darren breathes out, and Chris hears rustling in the background that he chooses to ignore for the sake of his sanity.

"Then stop interrupting me," Chris says, but Darren lets out another harsh breath and Chris doesn't think Darren hears him. "So you stopped kissing me and I wanted to touch Lea, but she stopped me, told me that you needed me more. And she slid her dress off then, I think, and all I could think about were her--" Chris pauses just a second too long, but Darren doesn't call him on it, "--her breasts, the way her nipples looked, and-- fuck. No, okay, next was you."

"Me," Darren echoes, voice raspy and a little far away. Chris wonders if Darren's got the phone balanced on his shoulder but he doesn't let himself think about it for too long.

"You were hard. And you were-- naked, already, on the couch. Oh, did I mention we were in Lea's trailer? Hah, oops, but anyway." Chris stops to clear his throat, face flushed hot now but the metaphorical floodgates have opened and Chris doesn't think he would stop talking now even if Darren told him to. It's a little bit of a rush, having Darren's attention like this. "And then Lea told me to go down on you."

"Remind me to send her a thank you card," Darren says roughly.

"I will not, because that's a terrible idea and she is never finding out about this, asshole," Chris breathes, hand sliding down to rest over his stomach. The sheet is still covering him but Chris can see the way his cock is straining under it and he really should stop blushing already. "I guess I shouldn't stroke your ego by saying that dream-you had a nice dick, huh?"

"Or you could stroke my ego regardless," Darren says, and Chris can hear the smile in his voice.

"Yeah, I think you're doing enough stroking for the both of us," Chris says with a short laugh. "So I went down on you," Chris continues in what he hopes is an airy tone but he can hear his own voice getting deeper as he talks, scratchier, and _damn_ Darren for knowing Chris would slip into his kissing voice. "Lea might've been kissing you, then, but I was, um, a bit preoccupied. It was nice, though. You kept touching my hair and my face, and you kept making these-- these noises, I don't know, like--"

Darren whines a little, then, and Chris is almost positive it isn't on purpose. He feels a sharp tug in his stomach, the heat spreading slowly through his body the more he talks, the louder Darren's panting gets. Chris feels flushed and embarrassed and _good_ , he realizes, and his fingers trail down the sheet to drag lightly over the shape of his cock. He feels it twitch up under his hand and he licks his lips, closing his eyes when he says, "And then you got up on your hands and knees."

"Please don't stop talking," Darren says, voice strained.

"Wasn't planning on it," Chris replies, grinning to himself for a second at the absurdity of it all, but then he lets himself see it in his mind, Darren with his ass in the air, already worked open from Lea's fingers, and-- jesus, when did Chris start squeezing his cock? He lets his legs slide a little farther apart but tries to keep his hand still when he continues. "You were already, you know-- all set to go," Chris says with something like a hysterical burst of laughter, but Darren just makes another distressingly hot whining noise at that. "So I didn't have to finger you, but you didn't want me to anyway, you were-- you really wanted it. You kept trying to push back on my dick and I had to grab you, and that's when Lea got in front of you, and--" Chris stops, close to rolling his eyes at himself when he finally gives in and tugs away the sheet, greeted with cool air over his torso and the sight of his hard cock, flushed dark and already shining wet at the tip.

"You have _such_ a dirty mind, Chris," Darren says with something like admiration. Chris tries not to feel too pleased with himself. "Keep talking, c'mon."

"You-- you were just licking her at first - teasing, I could tell, she grabbed your hair - but when I started to fuck you, you just went for it. You were--" Chris pauses for a second, squeezing around his cock and letting out a shaky breath at the memory of the dream. "You were so _tight_ , Darren. It was insane."

"Tell me," Darren rasps, not even trying to hide the slick, unmistakable sound of his hand moving over his own cock now. Chris refuses to let himself start picturing _that_. "Just-- _describe_ it, shit."

"I'm sorry, is my phone sex not good enough for you?" Chris mumbles, but Darren just whines _again_ and he has seriously got to stop that because it's just making Chris's cock throb even harder.

"Chriiiiis," Darren says, dragging his name out, and that makes Chris smile in spite of himself. "Come on, man, tell me how tight I was around your dick. What did it feel like?"

"You are _such_ a narcissist," Chris huffs out, closing his eyes and trying to focus on what he's saying and not how hard his cock is. "You were so tight," he says, pressing the phone as close to his ear as he can manage and listening to the way Darren's breath hitches. "You were tight and hot and you were _begging_ for it, god," Chris groans, finally letting his hand start to move over his cock, the last of his resolve snapping as he gives in to the memory of Darren pleading, his voice muffled against Lea's skin.

"What was I saying?" Darren rasps into the phone. "Fuck, Chris, come on, just a little more, please." Chris's stomach draws up tight at the desperation in Darren's voice, the way he can hear Darren's hand moving fast over his cock, and Chris tries to match his rhythm.

"You kept pushing back on my cock," Chris says, biting back a moan. He can't let Darren know he's jerking off. That would mean Darren wins, or something, so Chris lets out a shuddering breath through his nose and starts to jerk himself off hard and fast, the way that always gets the job done.

"Chris," Darren says, his voice high and needy, "come on."

"Right," Chris says, mostly to himself, trying to get enough blood to his brain to form words again. "You were-- you kept pushing back, and begging for more, wanting it harder and deeper and telling me that you could take it, that you would take it so good, and Lea kept glaring at me every time she had to pull your head back down, like it was my fault that you couldn't stay on task."

"Then?" Darren chokes out. "Tell me about-- did you come inside of me?" It takes a second for Chris to process that, and before he's done Darren's talking again. "Or did you pull out and come-- did you come on me?" Chris doesn't actually remember coming in the dream, but Darren seems awfully interested in his answer, so he takes what he remembers and what Darren obviously wants to hear and starts to talk, his voice shaky and uneven as he jerks himself off faster.

"Lea came first," Chris says, because that part he does know. "She had her legs over your shoulders and she dug her toes into your back when she came and tugged on your hair and you just went _crazy_ ," Chris says as Darren starts to make a noise that could politely be described as a grunt. "She came and you kept going, so she pushed you away, and then--"

"Then you came," Darren says brokenly. "You came on me."

"Yeah," Chris says. "Yeah, I did, I pulled out and I came-- I came all over your back, and your perfect fucking ass, and--" Chris breaks off as Darren moans into the phone, panting and groaning as he comes, and Chris knows it's not possible but he swears he can _hear_ the come hitting Darren's skin. It must be so white against his skin, and Chris thinks about his joining it, about actually coming on Darren's ass, and that's what does it, the thought of it almost shocking him into coming. Chris turns his head and bites into the pillow, trying to keep quiet as he jerks himself through it with Darren breathing harsh and loud in his ear. Chris tries to get his breathing under control, shuddering through the last of it and wiping his hand over his stomach (his _clean_ stomach, Chris thinks, grimacing a little).

"Shit," Darren says after a minute, his voice unfairly rough. "You are _really_ good at that."

"I'll add it to my resume under special skills," Chris mumbles stupidly into the phone. "Ninjutsu, really good at phonesex."

"I'd watch that movie," Darren says lazily, and Chris can hear the sound of sheets rustling. "Did you come or do you need me to talk you off?"

"I didn't even jerk off, pervert," Chris says, wincing because he knows Darren will practically be able to _hear_ the lie in his voice.

"Fucking liar," Darren laughs, right on schedule. "You're the one who started this with all the sexy dreams, you have no moral high ground over me."

" _Everyone_ has moral high ground over you, and you seem to have conveniently forgotten that you're the one who practically begged me to talk about it. Don't think I'm forgetting your little crossdressing fantasy anytime soon," Chris teases. He neglects to mention that he's not going to forget it because it was disturbingly hot, but Darren _really_ does not need to know that. He reaches for a tissue from his bedside table to clean himself off so he can get back under the sheet. It's cool in his room and the sweat is starting to dry on his skin, making him feel prickly and uncomfortable. "Now if we could just never talk about this again, I'm going to go scrub this entire thing away in the shower."

"Don't make me feel cheap," Darren whines into the phone.

"I can't make you feel cheap if cheap is already your default state," Chris says, cuddling down into his pillow. He really should shower, but his bed is _really_ comfortable. Somehow trading quips back and forth with Darren is just making that happy and relaxed feeling even better, but Chris decides not to question it.

"That hurts," Darren says, his jaw cracking on a yawn. "I thought this meant something to you."

"Well it definitely means I'm never inviting you over for pumpkin carving again. That's one innocent childhood delight you've forever perverted."

"See, and you thought you'd never forgive me for sending you that Golden Girls Porn," Darren says happily. Chris just snorts.

"I haven't forgiven you for that and it's the reason all your email goes directly to my spam filter now, Darren."

"Is that why you never respond to my e-vites?" Darren asks, sounding genuinely hurt.

"Ugh, let me sleep," Chris whines, rubbing his face against the pillow. Showering can definitely wait. Chris can wash his sheets tomorrow.

"Fine, but you're legally obligated to tell me about any more sex dreams you have featuring me," Darren says.

"That makes no sense, but there are more important matters to discuss right now. Are you listening?" Darren makes a vague, sleepy grumbling noise. " _Darren_ ," Chris yells into the phone.

"Listening!" Darren says loudly. "Totally listening."

"Okay, whatever you do, you can _not_ tell Lea about this," Chris says slowly. He's pretty sure Darren was way too distracted to remember his earlier warning. "Not the sex dream, not the phone sex, nothing. Swear this to me, Darren. Our very lives may depend on it."

"Right," Darren says, suddenly sounding incredibly guilty. "That would be a stupid thing to do, who would do that? Not me."

"Darren," Chris says warily, wide awake now as he starts trying to mentally catalog all the ways that Lea is never going to let him live this down. "Darren, what did you do?"

"Nothing, today was fun, thanks for the pumpkins and the phone sex," Darren says quickly before the phone goes dead against Chris's ear.

"This is not going to end well," he mumbles miserably to himself as he forces himself out of bed and into the bathroom to wash off.

-

His doorbell rings at 11:35 a.m., which is actually showing considerable restraint on Lea's part. Chris tries to pretend he's not home, but Lea peeks in the windows and catches him darting around a corner.

"Christopher Colfer, open this door or I will share your shame with the world," she shouts, and Chris has seen some of Lea's tweets. She's not kidding.

"I don't want to talk about it," he groans, opening the door.

"Well I do," Lea says, brushing past him and setting a medium sized pumpkin on his kitchen table. "I cannot _believe_ you think that vaginas feel like _pumpkin guts_ , Chris. Honestly."

"Gonna kill him," Chris mumbles, flinching back when Lea goes for the knives that are still out on the table.

"Don't blame Darren, he was just concerned," Lea says.

"Exactly what did Darren tell you?" Chris asks, narrowing his eyes.

"Mostly about your horrible comment about pumpkin guts," Lea says, cutting the top off of her pumpkin. Huh. Maybe it's not so bad, Chris thinks to himself as he wanders over to put newspaper under Lea's pumpkin. He can handle some teasing about the pumpkin guts thing, definitely. He may not even Kill Darren, he thinks as he spares Lea a smile and slumps into the chair next to her.

"Of course he also told me about your dirty, dirty sex dream," Lea says as she scoops up a handful of pumpkin guts and plops them down directly in front of Chris. "I figure once I'm done emptying out the pumpkin, I can carve you a diagram of a vagina so you'll know what's going on next time you have a sex dream about me."

Chris takes it back. He is _definitely_ killing Darren. Maybe Lea too, if she doesn't stop putting her fingers in the pumpkin guts and swirling them around while humming to herself.

-

Chris manages to avoid Darren for two whole days before there's a big group scene in the choir room and he's forced to acknowledge Darren's presence.

"So," Darren says, actually _skipping_ over to him as soon as he gets on set. "How's things?" He waggles his eyebrows exaggeratedly, and Chris bites back the urge to snap Darren's suspenders out of spite. It would probably backfire on him anyway, though, and Darren would end up liking it. Ugh.

"No," Chris says flatly, looking back down at his script.

"That answer doesn't even make sense," Darren says, picking up the chair next to Chris and trading it out for his own.

"Dianna's going to punch you," Chris says. She won't, but Darren can't keep just switching chairs around at will. There are _rules_. Besides, Chris had made sure to switch out Darren and Dianna's chairs in the first place so he'd be as far away as possible. The rules don't apply to him.

"No she won't, I put her next to Lea," Darren says, waving a hand and dropping into his chair, managing to snatch Chris's script from his hand. "Now talk to me."

"No," Chris says again. "That was the agreement. No talking about it, ever again. And no telling Lea, but you already broke that one so you don't want to be 0 for 2."

"I told Lea about the sex dream before we had phone sex," Darren says. "So technically I didn't do anything wro--"

"You had _phone sex_?" Lea gasps from behind them. "Why was I not informed of this?"

"Stop sneaking up on me," Chris yelps. "And shut _up_ before everyone hears."

"So you _did_ ," Lea says, squeezing between their chairs and glaring at them. "When? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Oh my god, okay," Chris says, standing up and pointing sternly at his chair until Lea sits down. "Let's go over some things, because you two have no idea how normal people behave. First of all, who I do or do not have phone sex with is none of your business," Chris says, glaring pointedly at Lea. Lea just smiles at him.

"That's silly, of course it is."

" _Secondly_ ," he says, talking over her and turning to Darren, "we are not talking about this and you are not allowed to call me whenever you want to get off."

"I didn't even know that was an _option_ ," Lea says, clapping her hands. "Can _I_ call you when I want to get off?"

"No," Chris says, rolling his eyes.

"Absolutely," Darren says nodding at Lea with wide eyes.

"There you go," Chris says, backing away slowly. "Perfect solution. You're both tiny and horny, have at it. Just leave me out of it."

"But why would we do that when we could leave you _in_ it?" Lea asks innocently, grinning at him.

"He's seriously great at the whole phone sex thing," Darren says. "Surprisingly dirty mouth when you get him going, and-- hey, wait, where are you going?" Darren asks as Chris groans and starts to leave.

"I'm going to go to Hair and Makeup and tell everyone who will listen about your sex dream with you in girl's underwear. Payback, Criss," Chris calls over his shoulder, not even caring if the camera guys who are setting up can hear him. He ignores Darren's yelp and Lea's giggles, grinning to himself when he hears Darren start to rush after him.

 


End file.
